


limerence

by kiminseong



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: M/M, Suicide Attempt, but the suicide attempt isnt very descriptive, it is like sad, it is mentioned a bunch like it is, the main idea if the story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-18 20:43:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12395865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiminseong/pseuds/kiminseong
Summary: The phone next to the hospital bed glowed with several unread messages, all from the same person.The phone on the other line knew he wasn't going to pick up anytime he called.When Jihoon wanted to give up, tried giving up, he had changed the lives of those around him completely. Daniel found himself completely overwhelmed trying to catch up with everything; the last time he saw the boy and the last time he heard him. The last words that were said to him haunted him more than anything, though.





	limerence

**Author's Note:**

  * For [minshuas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/minshuas/gifts).



> this fic is for my sibling and i do hope you like it !

Why he never said it back made him so confused. It was so easy to say back to him what he felt, but the words slipped his tongue, and now they were completely useless. He didn’t know if he was ever going to get to see the boy again, and he couldn’t relive everything he had to keep as if it were a new memory. They would be faded and yellowed by the time he was able to look back on them without tears. Daniel didn’t even know at what point Jihoon fell in love with him, and he might not get to ever know, now. He would only be able to think of when his behavior seemed to change; when Jihoon behaved differently than he used to. It was so obvious, though, when his change in attitude had shifted, but only in a romantic sense. 

 

“I keep calling you to think about how you would answer what I tell you. I don’t even know what I am thinking saying all of this to you, but here it goes. I really miss you, and I wish you would come back. We all do, but me especially. They don’t expect any of us to keep going, though, as a group. We are disbanding for a while, but I don’t if we are ever going to come back. I want to, but it won’t be the same without you. I should probably get going since there isn’t really much I have to say. 

 

I wish I could see you again,” he added half heartedly. 

 

The stupid imagine of the boy he would come to know so well would never leave his head now. He had to relate that familiar imagine to him rather than the last moment he saw the boy’s open eyes. They seemed to hold the entire universe in them, it was a mystery Daniel adored about the young boy. What a  _ stupid  _ idea to go to the roof. What a  _ stupid  _ idea to give a bunch of  _ stupid  _ kids roof access. Maybe if they hadn’t been able to go to the roof, it could have been something else, something easier to talk him down from. It wasn’t like it was Daniel’s fault, but one can only feel guilt having witnessed it all. 

 

Jihoon smiled and apologized before he fell, too. He knew how much pain he was going to cause everyone and he still fell. Daniel remembers the exact words he said last, the exact way he choked them from himself. Each word was hidden behind a cry, each word harder for him to press out than the last, but he forced his confession. “I loved you, Kang Daniel.” 

 

_ Loved _ . 

 

The feeling would only be fleeting because he would be, as well. He had to be still in love with Daniel when he confessed, they hadn’t known each other long enough for it to have mattered otherwise. And in that moment Daniel wanted to press out the words to return the feeling. He wanted to pull him off the ledge and tell him that it would be alright, but Daniel was scared and Jihoon was terrified. He left Jihoon to throw himself from steady ground to air. Guilt hung around him like wet clothes to his frame, and it was present no matter what. He tried to wash it off, scratch it away, cry it out, but no matter what, it wouldn’t leave him. 

 

Instead of this moment of Jihoon’s face flooded in tears, Daniel chooses to remember the one of their first meeting, when he saw a pretty face light up in the chance of him making it big. Jihoon should have known that he was going to be something huge, too. He was treated like a celebrity his entire life, but the second he made it, he lost it. He had attributes of an idol already. He was completely adorable in addition to being able to dance extraordinarily. His vocals and rapping were impressive, as well. With a history of musicals, acting, and modeling, he was bound to make it into the top eleven. He smiled just thinking about him. It was so easy to remember the boy in complete fondness. It was easy for Daniel to admit to himself that he would do anything to see the boy with them again, too. It was still tearing at every crack in his skin to even think that he could never be able to see his face as happy as he had seen it before, or even see it ever again, at all. 

 

“It is hard to remember you so completely since you aren’t here, but I am trying my best. I only remember you fondly, just so you know. I can’t imagine thinking about you in any other sense. You are absolutely breathtaking. Gosh. I just can’t even stop smiling thinking about how cute you are. I really do capture you in my heart.” Daniel smiled to himself thinking about the boy’s ridiculous aegyo. “No pun intended. I don’t want to be unable to admit that just because it is something you liked to say. Even if it was just you being cute. At least you knew it, though. 

 

Granted I love the memories of how you looked, I have pictures to remind me. Your voice, just you talking to me and the little conversations that we had with each other off camera. I want those back. I really want to see you again and to be able to be with you again.. I’m sorry.” 

 

They never got to do things that couples would, because Daniel let himself wait too long to admit that he was really in love him. He can only imagine what it would have been like to kiss the boy and take him out. Getting to know him beyond a friendly manner seemed intangible. The chance of getting to see him again, though, was less than 50/50, and Daniel could see it fleeting. He didn’t want pessimism to hang on his shoulders like a towel, but he found himself surrounded. 

 

Daniel felt the gravity of it all in just the moment he saw Jihoon’s dying body against the solid floor stories below Daniel’s feet. He would never get the life he enthused to the members about. What he wanted to do after Wanna One, where he thought he could go, and who he wanted to be with were all just dreams that he couldn’t even chase anymore. Daniel never wants to think back to the body he saw, cripple and pale on the sidewalk where he still had to walk. The thought of him chased him to the bathroom, where he heaved up the nothing he had eaten since the morning broke. It was useless, just like it was the day before. 

 

The chance that Jihoon was completely gone completely devastated Daniel. He was scared. Scared of losing him and scared of their relationship never being the same. He was scared that he would never get to tell Jihoon what he felt for him and that he was sorry. Jihoon wasn’t dead, not yet. Daniel wouldn’t let him go this soon, either, he couldn’t. 

 

He turned the sink in his bathroom and, after washing his hands, splashed his face with lukewarm water. “The fuck is wrong with you?” Daniel scared himself with how loud he was willing to be when scolding himself. The same guilt he wore on his skin found its way to the broken faucet. He didn’t think he was moving so frantically, at least not so much so that he was able to pull the cover off of the “cold” knob on the sink. It clattered against the group, hitting off the sink with a high pitched noise that made his eared scream. He picked up his phone again, hitting the same missed call number. 

 

“I am really out of sorts without you. I don’t really know what’s happening to me. I haven’t heard from the others in while. I haven’t really heard from anyone in a while. I haven’t checked any of the messages on my phone unless they are my mom or my therapist.” He didn’t want to admit so freely that he had a therapist, either, but his mom was adamant about getting one. “I think about you pretty much my whole day, though, just so you know. I would have done anything to make you happy again. You meant… Fuck, you  _ still mean _ the whole world to me. I am sorry I didn’t let you know that before you…you know. I don’t want to leave you so soon, but I can’t keep talking like this. It used to never be this easy for me to get emotional.” 

 

Daniel didn’t expect the knock on his door, either, when it came. Throwing his phone on the couch next to him, he opened the door to greet Jisung. It was the first time he had seen Jisung in a month since what had happened. Jisung seemed to be happy, but it was hard to tell whether he was acting or genuinely happy, even if just for the sake of a fellow member. Daniel hadn’t been kind enough to let Jisung in, he wasn’t looking for guests right now, anyway. 

 

“What do you want?” Daniel asked, making sure to leave the harshness out of his voice, even if he was annoyed. 

 

“I have been checking in with everyone, Daniel. You would know that if you cared to check your phone. I only didn’t get two responses, so I went to you two last.” Despite him trying to make Daniel feel guilty for not checking his phone, he already felt as much guilt as he thought was possible for one person to experience, so it didn’t really have much effect on him. 

 

“Who else didn’t answer?” Daniel asked. He couldn’t think of who else wouldn’t have answered, even if for their own reason. 

 

“Jinyoung didn’t answer at first, but he managed to call back later, before I went to talk to him. You were the only one who managed to not make contact at all. I understand, though. I’m not forcing you to be happy, Daniel. You deserve as much time as you need, we are just worried about you. We all have picked out dates that work for meeting up, so we were wondering which one looks best to you? Our manager says we have to see each other again so we can talk to them and see Jihoon, too.” 

 

“We are allowed to visit him, now?” 

 

“Yes, but he still isn’t responsive.” 

 

“What date is the latest?” Daniel asked. He needed more time to himself than what they were giving him. It wasn’t like he wasn’t safe or planned on hurting himself, so he deserves more time to take away from the group and away from the industry as a whole. He wanted to see Jihoon terribly, he was sure Jisung understood that, but going back meant pity from everyone who knew everything about the incident. Going back after this seems so unlikely, but they will really ask him if he is willing to come back, if he wants to try again, won’t they?   
  


“Daniel…” Jisung bit his lip before coming back into what he was saying, “Are you okay?” 

 

It was the last thing he wanted to hear. He accidently broke his own sink, cried every single day, and still sent messages to a comatose person like he would ever call back. He couldn’t admit that aloud, though. He couldn’t explain to Jisung every flaw the incident had offered him. Daniel wasn’t ready to admit that he had lost the person he was in love with, the person he still wanted to be with. 

 

It still seemed so unreal. Daniel had never seen it coming, just like the rest of the boys. 

 

_ “Good morning, Daniel!” Jihoon cheered despite looking so gloomy. His eyes wore bags that he was so unused to having. Daniel smiled still, though, at the boy who so kindly offered a good morning each morning.  _

 

_ “Did you sleep any better last night, Jihoon?” Daniel asked. Jihoon had been suffering from some sleepless nights, which, admittedly, scared Daniel. He didn’t want Jihoon to leave the band, nor did he want Jihoon to start to get any worse. Some people never got better, and the idea of someone Daniel really loved never being able to get the help he deserved scared Daniel more than anything.  _

 

_ Jihoon offered a small smile, which only made Daniel’s smile wider. When he spoke, his voice made him sound tired, as he hadn’t been sleeping as well as Daniel hoped. “It was the same as the nights before, really.” Jihoon admitted. Daniel couldn’t think of much else to do since the others had already thought of everything. _

 

_ “Do you think sleeping somewhere else might help?” Daniel offered, curious. Jihoon seemed to toss the thought around while standing in the hall. As Jaehwan pushed past the two in apology, Jihoon came to a conclusion.  _

 

_ “Maybe?” He questioned. “I don’t know where I would sleep, but it is worth a shot.”  _

 

_ “I think it could work,” Daniel said before continuing to breakfast, not thinking much more of it until that night.  _

 

_. . . . .  _

 

_ He sat watching a movie with Sungwoon and Jisung on the couch next to him, when Jihoon walked in. He motioned quietly for the boy to come over. Granted the movie was halfway finished, he wanted to make sure that Jihoon was getting to bed somewhere different, and he should have been going to bed soon. Jihoon walked over without question, taking a seat on the couch next to Daniel.  _

 

_ Sungwoon and Jisung sat nearly on top of one another despite the length of the couch. It was a horror film that lacked a particular scare factor to Daniel, but Jisung still flew up in shrieks each time the movie was intended to scare. He earned odd comments from Sungwoon each time, too. “Hyung, sit down, it wasn’t even that scary…” _

 

_ Daniel could feel Jihoon’s occasional jump or shiver that made Daniel smile a bit. Really, the movie wouldn’t even have been scary to some children, but Jisung and Jihoon were just as shocked by it as an eight year old could have been. Daniel didn’t think that falling asleep like this would be so bad, but who knew? He threw his arm around the other, letting Jihoon lean into him lightly. “Are you comfortable like this?” Daniel asked, hoping desperately for a ‘yes.’ _

 

_ “Yes. This is nice.” Jihoon answered simply. The boy was apparently very tired, as he had already strung drowsiness through his words. Sleep laced Daniel’s throat, though, too, he noticed when he couldn’t manage a more complex response to Jihoon.  _

 

_ “I am glad.”  _

_. . . . .  _

 

_ When the two woke the next morning, Daniel did first, thus waking the smaller boy. “Morning,” he muttered to Jihoon when he moved out from underneath Daniel’s arm. The way they shifted in the middle of the night certainly did make the sleeping position more comfortable to Daniel, and hopefully for Jihoon, and if not, then moreso.  _

 

_ “Good morning, hyung,” Jihoon let out  after stretching a bit. His smooth stomach had shown somewhat from underneath his pink sweater. He hadn’t gotten abs like he promised, despite making it into Wanna One. He couldn’t imagine the boy with abs, though. He was tiny in proportion and it was odd imagining him with muscles that did not compare to the rest of his body. His features were soft and feminine, so something so sharp and masculine would throw anyone off. His sweater fell down again, though, disrupting Daniel’s petty thought process and causing him to think about something more important.  _

 

_ “Did you sleep well last night?” Daniel asked, very hopeful this morning. Nothing that the other suggested had really worked other than Jisung encouraging naps in Jihoon’s free time and giving him breaks from practice. Despite nothing having worked so far, Daniel wanted to be able to help Jihoon, plus he was one of few who hadn’t directly offered help in any way.  _

 

_ “I, uh,” he paused briefly to think about it, but was quick to finish his answer, “I slept the whole night, being honest. Even if it wasn’t the most comfortable,” he laughed while rubbing his neck a bit, “...it was still nice to sleep without waking up. And I didn’t have a nightmare, either. I didn’t really dream at all.”  _

 

_ “If you wanna start sleeping with me, you could? I don’t think anyone would mind, either. I can talk to Jisung about it if you want!” Daniel offered, excited that it seemed to work. “Of course, though, we can use my bed to make it more comfortable.”  _

 

_ “So you think that you are the thing that helped me sleep, not just the change in environment?” Jihoon questioned jokingly.  _

 

_ “Ah, I didn’t mean it like that, Jihoon,” Daniel managed, flustered by what he had suggested.  _

 

_ “I am just kidding… But I still don’t know. That might be a bit awkward,” Jihoon blushed at the idea. “I wouldn’t mind, though, if there would be a way that no one would think anything weird of it.”  _

 

_ “I can ask Jisung if he wants to switch you beds?” Daniel offered, “So it will seem like you are just going to sleep in his bed?”  _

 

_ “What about Seongwoo?”  _

 

_ “I’ll tell him too. He’ll keep quiet, I promise, especially if it is going to help you…” Daniel answered, thinking.  _

 

_ “Ah, alright. Thank you!” Jihoon responded enthusiastically.  _

 

Daniel couldn’t shake the feelings he has for Jihoon, either. He had no outlet for them, he couldn’t let him know, he shouldn’t let anyone know. But bottling them up like that, thinking about the time they had really started to get close to one another made him overwhelmed and anxious. He felt the warm tears bubble at his eyes before they fell. When they did fall, they fell one after the other, some finally reaching his lips where he could taste the saltiness of them. 

 

He felt Jisung’s warm embrace around him. He shook in his arms, silent sobs escaping his mouth. He felt the gentle grip that Jisung had on him tighten, so he threw his arms around him. His face pulled itself into a pinch, making him look miserable. “I can’t do this,” Daniel choked. He wanted it to all be fake, for nothing like that to have been real. He wanted to have been able to talk Jihoon down from the ledge he watched him fall from. He wanted Jihoon to have always been just as happy as he deserved. He wanted to have admitted to Jihoon his feelings before it was too late, but now there was a chance it would always be too late.

 

“It’s okay,” Jisung rubbed Daniel’s back, just holding him silently. How could he be so calm about something so awful? How, even after a month, could he be okay with accepting the possible loss of a bandmate. 

 

“I love him, Jisung.” Daniel looked him in the eyes, still trying to hold back sobs that were crawling their way up his throat. He felt like crumbling into the boy’s arms, but he knew he shouldn’t. He wanted to be there for his band and with his band, but being only ten instead of eleven, looking at so many familiar faces that Daniel loved so much but having one of the most loved missing was something Daniel was not ready to have to face. He couldn’t even try to smile for Jisung. He never cried this easily, but it was such a shock having to talk to Jisung like this. 

 

_ “...hyung…” _

 

_ “...hyung.” _

 

_ “Hyung…”  _

 

_ “Hyung.”  _

 

_ Daniel was shaken awake by familiar hands. They felt so small against his torso, as they were rather tiny when compared to even his own. Jihoon’s soft voice woke him before the sensation, though, as odd as it seemed. Daniel was a heavy sleeper, but it was easier to wake with by yelling rather than shaking. “Yeah, Jihoon? What time is it?”  _

 

_ “I don’t know...like three in the morning?”  _

 

_ “Are you alright?” _

 

_ “Yeah, I think. I have been sleeping fine with you like this for a while, but I just keep waking up. I was don’t really know why I woke you up, just to talk, I guess?” he questioned his own actions.  _

 

_ “If you just want to talk for a little, when can. Are you tired?”  _

 

_ “Of course I’m tired, I don’t know why I keep waking up.”  _

 

_ Daniel smiled to himself in the darkness of the room. He could hear the occasional snore from Seongwoo across the room, and it only made him want to laugh. The feeling bubbled in the back of his throat, thinking about it, but he pushed it back down. Now wasn’t the time.  _

 

_ He could feel how tired he was clinging to his eyelids, but that didn’t matter. Jihoon deserved to be able to sleep soundly just as much as Daniel did. If Jihoon didn’t think Daniel could help, then he wouldn’t have woken him up, either. He rolled over to position himself a little different. He dug his arm underneath the back of  Jihoon’s neck so that he could pull him closer. They stayed like that, Daniel’s other arm wrapped around Jihoon. “This is comfortable, right?” Daniel asked the boy in his arms. He did hope it was because Daniel believed it to be.  _

 

_ “Ah, yeah. This is nice, Daniel-hyung,” Jihoon said into the still, silent air. Daniel’s eyes had just properly adjusted when Jihoon managed a response, so he could make out the 3:47 that the alarm clock read. He kept his sigh to himself, but felt himself grow more tired with the mere awareness of how late, or early, it was.  _

 

_ “Is there even anything we can talk about, though?” Jihoon asked Daniel, looking over his shoulder a little. He giggled with uncertainty because of his lack of interesting subjects. Daniel didn’t know what they could discuss, either, but he didn’t mind talking to the boy in his arms at all, especially if it was going to help him.  _

 

_ Daniel tried, though, despite not being sure what they could say, “Well there was the video shooting the other day.” He wasn’t sure what was entirely interesting about that, but he didn’t mind thinking of something. It was fun, that was for sure. They had wrapped it up two days ago and hadn’t had much time to just discuss it with one another. They are more busy having their lives filmed just for their fans to watch. It isn’t that Daniel particularly minds, he expected this, in fact, but it seems invasive, even if in good nature.  _

 

_ “Yeah, that was fun. I never really imagined bathing in doughnuts until I the producers asked me to,” Jihoon giggled again thinking about it. Daniel had forgotten a bit about that scene since he wasn’t apart of it, but it was a more odd one.  _

 

_ Daniel didn’t want to make it awkward mentioning the scene at the end between the two of them, but it had been one of his favorites to film, especially considering he was with Jihoon in the scene. It was the one scene other than quick ones that were not strictly his own in which he didn’t have to look too cool or serious. He wore no mask for the camera, just a smile because he was with his friends. “Filming the scene they said would be at the end of the video was fun,” Daniel tried.  _

 

_ “You mean the one outside on the couch?” Jihoon asked him.  _

 

_ “Yeah, that one.”  _

 

_ “Yeah, that was fun,” Jihoon agreed. “It was hard to do it, I kept getting nervous I wouldn’t be able to jump over the couch to sit next to you.” Jihoon laughed at the thought of it. Daniel smiled. He hadn’t known that Jihoon had too much trouble with that, considering it was finished quickly. Daniel liked it even moreso looking at it as one of the easiest to film. Jihoon was a natural when it came to filming, even though he became easily embarrassed. Most things didn’t take more than two shots for Jihoon, which impressed Daniel, even if he had done just as well himself.  _

 

_ “You did well, still. I didn’t even notice your trouble with it,” Daniel told him.  _

 

_ “Really?”  _

 

_ “Really. Granted you messed up a little the first try, that is completely normal the first try. You did perfect everytime after that. It was me or someone else that would mess it up after your first try,” Daniel assured him. Jihoon smiled, turning into Daniel’s arm that cradled him.  _

 

_ “Thank you, Hyung,” he whispered into Daniel’s arm. It was absolutely adorable, the way the boy was embarrassed about having just done well on something. He was modest, apparently, or perhaps he just honored by the compliments he was offered.  _

 

_ Daniel couldn’t help but allow his smile to grow wider as he spoke, “Don’t tell me you are shy about being complimented?” he said to Jihoon.  Jihoon only covered his face more in response, and he could feel the heat the boy radiated in embarrassment. “You deserve it, Jihoon, you did well!” Daniel exclaimed quietly. He couldn’t believe that Jihoon didn’t want to accept the compliment that he greatly deserved.  _

 

_ “I said ‘thank you, hyung!’” Jihoon quoted to argue that he was accepting the compliment, even if shy because of it. The words he spoke were muffled because of his sweater-covered hands covering his face as a natural reaction to his embarrassment.  _

 

_ “Cute…” Daniel mumbled, growing more tired as their conversation grew on.  _

 

_ “What, hyung?” Jihoon asked, sounding more tired with those two words than he had seemed the entire time.  _

 

_ “Nothing, really,” Daniel attempted to assure him.  _

 

_ “Alright. I won’t fight with you…” Jihoon trailed off.  _

 

_ It wasn’t long since their conversation had died that Daniel noticed Jihoon’s breathing still and his body finally laid on the bed in ease. He stopped trembling from the cold outside lingering in through a crack in the window. Daniel was happy he could let himself drift to sleep again but happier that Jihoon would get to sleep again..  _

 

It became hard for Daniel to fall asleep at night. One night he slept silently, comfortably with the boy he fell so hard for, then the next he was on his way to Busan, far away from where he was just last night and, despite his company, he was terribly alone. He had no hand to hold when he fell asleep at night. He didn’t think there was a single thing he could need or miss so much, but he found it, and he lost it. How come Jihoon never told Daniel he was hurting? 

 

Daniel still blamed himself, though. For more than not being able to save him from the fall, but for not being able to 

save him from wanting to fall. At what point did it get  _ that  _ bad? Daniel never saw it coming, he had seemed fine. The managers hadn’t given him the breaks he deserved even though he had brought his sleeping issues up to them. It was probably overwhelming, but Daniel would’ve done anything he could have to help the boy. Daniel regrets having not told him more, regrets not helping him when he silently begged for it through telling the simple lies like “I’m fine.” 

 

“I’m sorry, Daniel…” Even Jisung wasn’t sure what to say at this point. No one could give Daniel what he wanted, which was to have Jihoon back. They could assure him the chances of him waking up again, him seeing Daniel and coming back to the group. 

 

“I couldn’t do anything for him, Jisung…” Daniel wanted to fall asleep, to be able to stop thinking about him, about the group, about everything. He wanted to be able to forget about everything, to lose all the worries he has and had, but he didn’t want to go in the same way Jihoon tried. He wanted to still be able to see everyone he loved when he woke. He wanted to be guaranteed to wake. 

 

“Daniel. You should know better than to feel guilty about this. That is the last thing Jihoon would want from you, and you know that.” Jisung was right, Jihoon would hate to know that Daniel felt bad about it, but Jihoon felt bad about so much and no one was there to console him. He suffered sleepless nights that Daniel couldn’t help, and he never once tried to get help or burden a fellow member, but Daniel would have preferred that over this. He would have preferred anything over this. 

 

“I know, I just… I didn’t do anything to help him, Jisung. I couldn’t do anything.” Daniel almost wanted to start crying again, but instead he opted to just hold his breath and wipe away the tear stains that streaked his cheeks. He didn’t deserve it, but Jisung still offered his usual smile before he spoke. 

 

“Daniel, that is exactly what I am trying to say! You couldn’t do anything, he didn’t give you a proper chance. No one knew how bad he was hurting, just that he was hurting. He made it seem much more minor than it was. By no means is what happened his fault, but it is even farther from yours. You were not the cause of his pain.” Jisung had a way of explaining things that made them easier to believe, easier to accept. Daniel felt himself release a breath when listening to his thoughts on Jihoon. “It is okay, though. You love this boy, I understand. He… You know he loves you, too, so why not live with knowing all the good things about him. He wouldn’t want you to remember him like this. Not with guilt or ill memory.” Jisung was the only person Daniel told about what Jihoon said before he jumped. The way he choked out his confession still made Daniel want to scream. He isn’t sure if he will ever be able to forget how it sounds, but he’s not sure if he wants to forget it, either. It is one more memory of the boy he loves. 

 

“I understand, Jisung. I don’t… I don’t really blame myself, but I don’t have anyone to blame. I’m not even sure what to do or how to react anymore. I didn’t think I would just be over it by now, but I didn’t think I would still feel exactly how I felt the second I heard that he was… I just want him to wake up, Jisung,” Daniel choked out. 

 

“You are fine, Daniel. This is all normal. You have every right to be as upset as you need to be, but you shouldn’t target anger towards anyone. You should work anger out carefully. I, as his leader, attempted to blame myself at first, too. I realized that wasn’t going to do anything, though. It wouldn’t bring him back nor would it provide any sense of satisfaction for me.” Daniel only nodded, comprehending what Jisung had told him. He didn’t want to argue with his leader anymore, either.

 

“Thank you, Jisung-hyung,” Daniel responded. “I do still believe I need as much time as you can give me. When you confirm the date with everyone else, though, call me. I will be there, I promise.” He was annoyed, admittedly. He wanted to be alone, no worries of anything surrounding him. 

 

_ “Hyung, you really mean the world to me…” Jihoon had told Daniel one night. The couple was sitting in the living room alone as the others walked out to the convenience store for snacks. Jihoon had asked to stay back, and Daniel offered to stay with him since it was unlikely he would be able to seduce him into coming.  _

 

_ “ _ I  _ do?” Daniel asked.  _

 

_ Jihoon nodded, embarrassed now. Daniel didn’t mean to make the boy blush, but he was honestly shocked that Jihoon felt that towards him. Daniel hadn’t wanted to make it awkward and immediately assume that his words meant more than what they were. “Yes, of course you do, hyung!” Jihoon exclaimed cutely. He threw his hands up in frustration, trying to show that he did indeed mean what he said.  _

 

_ “I believe you, I just… That surprised me, I guess. But you mean just as much to me, Jihoon,” Daniel offered in response to him. He moved closer to the boy who sat at the end of the couch. He wasn’t sure what to do. Timid hands held themselves steady, trying to inch closer to the boy. They had a mind of their own, wanting to hold onto the smaller’s hands. Daniel resisted the urge, though, to take Jihoon’s hands in his own. He wanted nothing more than to tell the younger what he really felt, everything that made him anxious, but he swallowed his own feelings in order to avoid hurting those of  another.  _

 

_ “I am sorry, I did mean to shock you…” Jihoon let out, “I figured you already knew, that maybe you just needed confirmation?” Jihoon said like it was a question. He paused for a minute before following himself up, “I am just really happy you stayed back with me. You didn’t have to, you know?”  _

 

_ Daniel didn’t want to give the simplest answer he had to offer, but it was true, at least, “I wanted to, though.”  _

 

_ “Well, thank you, hyung.”  _

 

Jisung left, leaving Daniel alone with his thoughts. Thoughts like   _ I should have done more  _ and  _ I should have told him how I really felt  _ became intrusive thoughts that he worked himself to push away. 

 

“You really aren’t going to come back soon, huh? I have been thinking a lot about you lately. A lot about us. I wish I would have told you before now, Jihoon, but… I love you, too. It feels so silly to say it like this, to have not been able to actually tell you, but I have to say it to you, now. It is so stupid, you weren’t even the first person I told, but I promise you won’t be the last. I am sorry I didn’t do more to help you, Jihoon. 

 

Jisung met up with me today… We are going to meet up again, as a group, but I don’t think I will be able to go back to it. I think it will take a longer than months for me to be normal again. I watched you grow as more than an idol or even a friend, I watched you grow as a person. I can’t say it was my fault, you don’t want to hear that, but I wish I would have been able to notice the point in which you stopped growing. The point in which you wanted to give up and finally did. But you didn’t really give up, I guess. It wasn’t selfish, it didn’t even end up being final. I am sorry I didn’t realize any of this until now. I am sorry so much was thrown on you, and it took me this long to process it all, but you had to take it all in as soon as you got it. I am just really sorry. I do love you, though, Jihoon. I am sorry that I couldn’t do more.” 

 

He fought with thoughts like this for weeks, but now thinking about it in the same way Jisung does has helped him. What continues to frustrate Daniel, though, is his hope to see the boy again. He couldn’t guarantee himself being able to see the boy completely alive again, but he was so sick of being pessimistic about it. Doctors worked hard hours and if they thought like this, would he even be breathing, still? 

 

Daniel continued to leave messages on Jihoon’s phone. He wanted more than anything to be one of the first voices Jihoon heard in the case that he woke up and Daniel wasn’t there. It was a complete shock to him that visitors besides Jihoon’s parents were permitted now. Either he was improving or making negative progress, otherwise there is no way they would allow ten boys to watch some monitors attached to their friend.

 

Daniel led himself to his bedroom, where he could find himself lost in the thoughts of Jihoon while he slept alone for the twenty-sixth time since what happened to Jihoon. He wanted to drift to sleep peacefully, without thoughts of how things could be different, but they haunted him mercilessly, and he had no choice but to think them. 

. . . . . 

 

“I just woke up and I wanted to tell you about my dream. It was the first night I had a real dream, not a nightmare and not nothing. You woke up and granted you were still stuck in a wheelchair because of everything, you were happy. I want to make sure it wasn’t just a dream, okay? I want you to be happy, really, completely, happy. I probably sound completely senseless, I am sorry. Jihoonie, just promise me one thing, okay? When you wake up, you’ll get the help that you need to be really happy. I love you. I will send you another message when I wake up a little more.” 

 

_ Daniel’s feet carried him heavily to breakfast. Jihoon had already woken up when he got up, but that didn’t surprise him. It looked like everyone had gotten up before him, and he was correct. He had slept in a bit without meaning to and everyone was already sat down for breakfast. “Sorry, guys…” Daniel apologized groggily. He was still tired and starting to regret getting up so eagerly, but one couldn’t blame him. At first he was under the impression that Jihoon had got up in the middle of the night since the last person in his room had taken the care to keep the light off. He was quick to realize, though, that Jihoon had simply woken up at a normal time as well as everyone else.  _

 

_ “You are fine,” Minhyun said to Daniel as he stood to take his dish as well as Jaehwan’s to the kitchen. “Jihoon said that you were tired and wouldn’t wake up, so he let you sleep some more,” he explained politely. Daniel’s eyes darted to Jihoon who sat in the same spot he usually did. The smile he wore was meek, like he didn’t want Daniel to get upset with him.  _

 

_ “Thank you, Jihoonie,” Daniel said, hoping he was able to show that he did not think ill of Jihoon for not having woken him up on time. In fact, Daniel was happy he had a chance to sleep in. He was tired from shooting commercials yesterday. Daniel was asked to do an individual shot that the others were not offered, too. As honored as he was, it only gave him more work and less sleep, so any minute he got to sleep in, he was thankful for.  _

 

_ “Ah, you don’t have to thank me,” Jihoon mumbled before he went back to eating. Woojin offered Daniel an odd squint that he couldn’t really decipher. Had he done something wrong? He smiled in attempt to assure Woojin that he was not hiding anything, but Woojin continued with his skeptical stare. Daniel told himself to not worry about it now, that he could confront Woojin about it later.  _

 

_ Later, though, Woojin was not seen until after Daniel saw Jihoon standing alone outside on their balcony. It was cold and he was in only a T-shirt and sweats. His shirt was huge on him, black and green stripes running downward completely drowning him. His sweats were light grey and were tied with a white string that was far from constricting on his waist. He wore two slippers of different colors, one pale yellow and one pale green. It was true, his sense of style was severely lacking, but he has heard that in plenty, he did not need it reiterated one last time by Daniel.  _

 

_ He opened the shaky glass door enough to slip out and close it behind him. Nothing could be done sneakily when it came to the balcony. The door made an awful squeaking noise, even when only opened slightly. Something needs to be done about that, still. Even if there is no reason they are really sneaking around one another, it is a rather annoying noise. Daniel is surprised he didn’t hear Jihoon leaving, but he could have on another floor when he left.  _

 

_ Jihoon turned around, not really surprised to see Daniel standing in front of him. The sun was hardly shining, clouds covering it, and the fog was thick around them. It was cold and wet out, so Daniel was more eager to come back in, but it worried him why Jihoon wanted to be alone outside. “Are you alright?” he asked the boy with a shy smile and shaking hands. He told them that they only trembled from the cold, but Daniel was so scared it was more than that. He was scared of it being more than that each night he laid down next to the boy and held those trembling hands. He came to notice they stopped when he drifted off to sleep, which wouldn’t happen if it were just the temperature.  _

 

_ “Mhm… I am just thinking…”  _

 

_ “About anything in particular?”  _

 

_ “Lots of things, but nothing in particular, no. I was thinking about myself, the band, you…”  _

 

_ “Me?”  _

 

_ “Ah ha...yes? I just mean that I was…thinking about every member and since you are hear it made sense to include you?” Jihoon tried. Daniel just laughed a little, which led Jihoon to do the same. His laugh was quiet and cute, suiting him.  _

 

_ “That’s it?” Daniel asked. He didn’t mention that he hoped Jihoon was thinking more. He didn’t mention that he wanted Jihoon to tell him everything he thought about him. He didn’t mention that he thought about Jihoon frequently. He didn’t mention this feeling that he experienced that sunk to the bottom of his stomach every single time he held Jihoon close or just spoke to him. He just left it up to Jihoon to elaborate.  _

 

_ “...yeah.”  _

 

_ Nothing. Daniel was too scared to say more. He feared rejection, as strange as that was. Daniel wasn’t fearless or perfect like people made him out to be, but it didn’t hurt to not say more to Jihoon. He didn’t want to rush anything or ruin anything. Not for the two of them, not for Wanna One, not for their fans, not for anyone. He didn’t want things to stay the same forever, but he didn’t want anything to happen that would hurt anyone or anything. He was confident the others would be accepting of what he felt, but he had never felt something like this for someone before. He didn’t completely understand what he felt, and he had definitely never felt something like this for a boy.  _

 

_ “You’re sure you’re alright, though?” Daniel asked for confirmation.  _

 

_ “I’m fine.”  _

 

_ “Well, you don’t look fine. You are shaking like a leaf,” Daniel took the jacket he was wearing off and placed it around the younger boy’s shoulders. “Here, now don’t stay out here too long, I don’t want you getting sick.” Daniel told him with a smile that met his eyes. Jihoon pressed both lips together and nodded a ‘thank you.’  _

 

_ Daniel opened the squeaky door where he was greeted with Woojin, who seemed to have been watching the two of them. Daniel bit his lip in embarrassment. Woojin was surely going to call him out on his crush. This ‘later’ came sooner than Daniel hoped it would. “Hi, Woojin…”  _

 

_ “Hello, Casanova,” Woojin gushed, his smile wide. “How is it going with you and Jihoon, huh?”  _

 

_ “What...do you mean? Jihoon and I are close friends…” Daniel tried explaining in brief.  _

 

_ “Uh huh.... I give my jacket to all my close friends…and  _ sleep  _ with them, too!” Woojin accused, and somewhat rightfully, depending on the complete meaning of his words.  _

 

_ “It’s not like that, Woojin, really. I just share a bed with him, nothing more,” Daniel promised the boy across from him. “And it is pretty cold out, he needed a jacket.” Daniel tried desperately to explain in a way that didn’t make him incredibly honest. Woojin was pretty close to Jihoon, so it would be easy for him to tell Jihoon something without Daniel knowing, too. He doesn’t necessarily expect him to do that, but he would believe it if he did.  _

 

_ “Alright...sure. You seem like you really have to explain that whole...sleeping thing a lot, though. It kinda sounds like you are trying to hide something, Daniel....” Daniel frowned at Woojin’s baseless accusations. It was this sort of scandal that Daniel was afraid of, but he was bound to be questioned at least once about it since he did share a bed with Jihoon.  _

 

_ “Look, you can ask Seongwoo-hyung about it if you need to, he shares my room,” Daniel offered.  _

 

_ “It’s okay, I am just kidding, Casanova…! You can’t deny that you two are a little...close, though,” Woojin finished before walking towards the couch that Jinyoung sat on.  _

 

Daniel’s body had dragged itself outside to the front porch of his little house. He watched the world outside, but he felt a slight disconnect from all of it. Maybe what he needed was to visit everyone again. A reunion never sounded like a bad idea, and seeing Jihoon again almost sounded like a dream. He wanted to try and come sooner than later, so he left a message on Jisung’s phone, “I decided that I wanted it to be the soonest date that everyone is available… I really want to see everyone again, and I especially want to see Jihoon again. Thank you, Jisung-hyung, and I will see you soon.” 

 

It wasn’t long before Jisung called back, but Daniel definitely prefered a message being left, so he checked the phone before he refused to pick it up. When it finished ringing and rather read that he had a message, he opened it and put the smartphone to his ear. 

 

“Daniel! I am very happy that you decided on coming sooner rather than later. I will text everyone the date that we plan on meeting and I do expect an answer. I will see you soon! And by the way, Daniel, try to cheer up a bit, I have good news for everyone, but it is for everyone.” 

 

Really? That was it? Jisung wasn’t going to elaborate, he was just going to leave Daniel hanging? He was on an odd line somewhere between furious and elated. Good news had to mean that it was actually going to be good, and he didn’t say there was any bad news, there was no catch to it, right? It was just good news. 

  
  


When night blanketed the sky, Daniel found himself in his bed, curled into piles of blankets that hugged him comfortably. It was cold out and the little heater had not been as effective as one would hope on a night like this. Beads of rain hit aggressively against his window keeping him awake with the scattered sounds. It was not a steady rain, but an intermittent rain hitting his roof and crashing against his window. The sounds made it seem like hail rather than rain, but he knew that to not be true.

 

He hadn’t heard back from Jisung all night, which he thought was strange. When he checked his phone since it didn’t seem like he was going to be able to fall asleep anytime soon, it read that he had no messages. He sighed, but as if he had read his mind, his phone lit up with a call. He answered without hesitation and questioned the other line. 

 

“Hello?” he asked Jisung. 

 

“...Daniel?” a choked voice answered. It sounded coated it sleep, like it was so much more than exhausted. When he pulled the phone away from his ear to check the caller ID, it read ‘Jihoon.’ His eyes had to be lying, so he wiped them with his shirt sleeve. Nothing about the screen changed, but he heard the voice on the other end faintly making more strained noises. 

 

“Daniel-hyung?” Daniel clearly heard when he placed the phone back to his ear. Tears climbed up to Daniel’s eyes to be blinked out and fall down his face in two little trails on his cheeks. His body was shaking with disbelief, but was overwhelmed with happiness. 

 

“Jihoonie? Are you…?” 

 

The boy at the other end of the line, way too many miles away from Daniel giggled at his disbelief, “I didn’t think I would be, either.” It was obvious now, that Jihoon was crying. 

 

“Is anyone else there?” Daniel asked. This couldn’t be the good news Jisung had, right? He wouldn’t keep this from them. Daniel’s throat urged him to scream, but tears continuously threatened his eyes, and he let them fall at the pace they wanted to. His skin itched with an odd sensation that he recognized as happiness. 

 

“No, they called Jisung, but he is still on his way here right now… They just called him, though. They had to make sure that I was alright…” he trailed off and punctuated it with a cough before following himself up again. “I am being monitored, but not heavily… I asked if I could call you after… Well… I listened to your messages.” His voice cracked on the last word, and Daniel could only make out the tears coming from the boy on the other end. Daniel pulled himself and into his parents’ room, but still held the phone close to his ear. He didn’t want to put it down, not until he was in front of Jihoon and was able to help with whatever he needed. 

 

“I am sorry, hyung. I didn’t mean to put you through that… I didn’t to put anyone through that. I… I won’t ever do something like that again.” Daniel nodded while holding the phone as if Jihoon could see him before assuring him that it was okay and that he believed him. “And Daniel… Maybe it isn’t the best time, but did you mean what you said about —” 

 

“—yes. I love you, Jihoon. I should have said it sooner. I am so sorry.” 

 

“Hyung...please don’t be sorry. I...love you, too.” 

 

Daniel felt his throat scream at him in a way it hasn’t yet. A strange feeling constricted it, telling him that he shouldn’t cry about something so sweet, but it was okay to cry when you are happy. His body became a fountain and tears poured from his eyes completely as he tried to speak to Jihoon. Mumbles and sobs overwhelmed him and much of what he tried to say was inaudible or unclear. 

 

“Hyung, they are telling me I have to go, but I will see you tomorrow, right?” 

 

“Yes,” he cut himself off with a sob, “Yes I will see you,” he sniffed, “tomorrow.”

 

. . . . . 

 

With money for train tickets to Seoul his mother had left him with in hand, he purchased the tickets and boarded the train. He hadn’t eaten anything, but he didn’t have an appetite. He had only one bag with him, which only held water and a change of clothes as well as his toothbrush for the next day. Knowing glances met his eyes. Surely some recognized him, but some recognized his pain before his face. He looked completely miserable, tear stained cheeks and puffy, red eyes. His throat begged for a drink, but he only gave it a bit at a time. He propped his head on a pillow and drifted off to sleep silently, ignoring the glances of the few around him on the train. It would only take about five hours from Busan to Seoul, so he had time to get a decent amount of rest before he would be left alone in the streets of Seoul to find where he was supposed to be going. Sleep came to him quickly as the train carried him away from the tears that the clouds shed in despair. 

 

_ “Daniel… I can’t do it anymore. I am sorry…,” Daniel heard cars in the background, but they sounded so distant, “I don’t want to be here anymore, so please, forgive me. I have something really important I want to say to you,” the way his voice threatened to cut in and out told Daniel that he was in an area that had relatively poor cell reception, “But I don’t want to say it over the phone. But I really don’t want you to see me like this. Please don’t remember me like this.” The roof.  _

 

_ The ascend to the roof was only a blur of metal in Daniel’s memory. He was out of breath by the time he threw the door open and still continued to will his two feet forward. One ahead of the other, he kicked off and pushed them to the ledge that Jihoon stood on, tears streaming down his face. He was shaking wildly on the edge of the building, terrified of the fate just below him.  _

 

_ “Jihoon?!” Daniel screamed, already forming tears at his eyes, his voice cracking under the mere pressure of forming words in this situation. “Please god no…” Daniel couldn’t manage anything louder than a whisper as his voice shook and his eyes were clouded with salt water.  _

 

_ “...Daniel...You came.”  _

 

_ “Please step down, Jihoon. It’s okay.” Daniel walked forward some more, extended his hand despite the distance between the two being too much to stop him yet.  _

 

_ “No...no, it isn’t. I loved you, Kang Daniel.”  _

 

_ Daniel couldn’t see anything after that. The boy that was just in front of him was no longer there, but he reached out. He stepped forward, his arms still outstretched like there was something to grab onto. He cursed at his tears for not letting him be able to see anymore to safely continue walking forward. He wiped them away and glanced over the edge, not wanting to see anything that he would. He wanted nothing to have happened, just for the boy to be safe.  _

 

_ He was greeting with the image of a broken awning and a boy lying limply, still twitching on it. No person should have their bones in that sort of shape, let alone have a bruise already forming on their arm where one could only guess it was hit off the metal of the awning. Blood was pooling somewhat around him, but nothing like that of a dead body. Maybe. Just maybe.  _

 

_ The paramedics informed them quickly that he was still alive, although not responsive, and they would have to wait until he was in the hospital and further examined to know whether or not he would make it. He had hit the awning, which broke his fall somewhat. He was said to be “incredibly lucky” to have been stopped from that height.  _

 

_ Daniel could only wait for the rest of the report in complete horror. He could only hope, at this point.  _

 

The vibrating alarm he set woke him up just before the train was arriving in Seoul. He had noticed the surroundings from anywhere since this was a rather common trip to him. He had made it here when first coming for Produce 101. His eyes stung and it felt as if his brain was trying to hammer its way out of his skull, but Daniel bit back the urge to fall back asleep. He could see out the little window next to him that he was getting closer. The train was fuller now than when he had first entered, but that made sense as it would have stopped a couple of times along the way. 

His footsteps were heavy on the pavement underneath him as he found his way off the train and onto the streets. Morning was going to break soon, so very few people still roamed the streets, but still a surprising amount for the time. Daniel was able to easily recognize where he was quickly and fall into quick beat finding his way to the hospital. His phone had received the text as to what room Jihoon was staying in of the hospital Daniel had already been in to see him admitted, but his room had apparently moved since then because of his unimproving state. 

 

Many shops were closed at the time, especially restaurants. Seeing all the signs and window displays, though, reminded Daniel how hungry he was. His stomach threatened him if it was not offered something soon, but he decided he could just get something at the hospital. He was going to need coffee when he made it there, as well, but he wanted more than anything to see Jihoon as quickly as possible. 

 

The hospital was full of people, despite the appearance of the streets he had just found his way out of. People stood at the desk, talking patiently with the man working there. Daniel found his way behind them and waiting more impatiently than their conversation was going. He let the two talk, hoping they would notice him. He understood he didn’t appear to be in pain or injured in any way, but is this really how they should treat those at the front desk, even if they were just visitors. Tapping his finger against the top counter of the desk earned him a side glance, but the two workers were earnest in their discussion. 

 

Daniel cleared his throat loudly, trying to get attention. This earned him nothing more than a second glance in which the man behind the desk only told him that they will “see him soon.” 

 

“I need to be seen right now!” Daniel screamed, gaining himself several head turns from those around him. The man put down his folder and turned toward Daniel dramatically, eyebrows raised. 

 

“Okay, sir, how may I help you?” 

 

“I need to get to room 347,” he said simply. The man wrote him out the pass to get to the room and gave him directions as to where it would be located rather rudely. Daniel cursed a thank you under his breath and stormed off, leaving the two to soon begin talking to one another again. In the elevator, few people stood which only made it more awkward to Daniel. He was able to get off  on the third floor, but the others continued to move up the floors. A nurse entered after Daniel left, bumping into him lightly. 

 

“Sorry, sir,” she apologized. Daniel offered her a kind smile and continued, his face pinched into focus. He scanned the room numbers. 340. 341. 342. 343. 344. 345. 346. He pushed his hands on 347 and took a deep breath before entering. Tears stung at his eyes, but he lifted his head to blink them back. His hands pushed the door open and he was met with Jisung and Woojin sitting in two chairs of four in the little room. No staff was there, only those two and Jihoon was in the bed that took up the majority of the room. Woojin sat, sleeping in the little chair, and Jihoon lay asleep on the bed. He had a brace around his neck that propped his head up awkwardly, and a bulky cast around his leg shown through the sheer blanket covering his body. Another, more comfortable looking blanket, had seemed to have slid off of him somewhat. Jisung looked as if he were somewhere between checking his phone and complete sleep. 

 

“Daniel? But you didn’t respond…and there is no way that you could have made it in that amount of time… How did you…?” Jisung trailed off, unsure of what to say further to Daniel. His voice was quiet, being sure to not wake the other two boys in the room, or even himself further. Jisung appeared exhausted, he deserved rest, so Daniel would be sure to see him getting just that. 

 

“Jihoon...contacted me before you got here,” Daniel whispered back. “Jisung-hyung, you need to rest please. I will stay up, I slept the entire time I was on the train here. 

 

“Jihoon called you personally? I got a message from the hospital… Why did he…?” 

 

“Hyung, I left a message or a few on his phone… I am sorry for not telling you that I was on my way,” Daniel told him politely, “You really need rest. We can talk more after you sleep.” 

 

Daniel took a seat near Jisung and completely away from Woojin who was sliding further down in his chair. Jisung and Daniel sat in silence until Jisung dozed off, his head gently falling to the side as he drifted. Daniel got up silently, moving toward the bed where Jihoon lay. He picked up the blue knitted blanket that had slid off of him and placed it gently on him. 

 

“Daniel-hyung?” a tired voice croaked. Daniel should have known that he wouldn’t be sleeping heavily, especially not for this long. He smiled at Daniel, tears already threatening his eyes. He looked like he hadn’t been able to stay awake without crying the entire day. His face was blotchy and his eyes and lips were huge. He was puffy and had no makeup to hide it like he had when he would cry or suffer from a sleepless night before everything that happened. It was strange. He had never seen someone cry as soon as they woke, but Daniel had to understand for Jihoon’s sake. 

 

“Yeah, Jihoonie?” Daniel asked, his voice quiet. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was swallowing back any sob that could potentially threaten his throat. He did not want to face Jihoon crying, but he appeared so sad. 

 

“I am really sorry you have to see me like this…” he trailed off. His tears were the only sound in the room. They were silent, as if taking into consideration the two boys sleeping in the room with him. He looked up, but to no avail, his neck brace hid the view from him. He acted as if his head was too heavy to pick up anymore, too, but it probably ached with a pain Daniel couldn’t imagine. He winced when placing his head on the pillow below him. He didn’t ask for anything, but it looked unbearably uncomfortable. His pillows were laying awkwardly under his head, so Daniel offered to move them. 

 

“Here, let me lift your head up so I can move these around,” he said, placing his hand under Jihoon’s head. He let out a little “ah” that scared Daniel. “Are you okay?” he asked, panicked. 

 

“Yes, yes, fine. It is the initial contact that hurts…” 

 

“Alright.” Daniel lifted his head with one hand and with his free hand, he moved the pillows in way so that one was atop the other rather than sprawled out messily. He gently let Jihoon’s head meet the pillow, removing his hand. “There you go, Jihoonie,” he gushed, his usual smile already present. He wasn’t going to treat Jihoon any different now than he did before other than taking into account whatever attention or help he  _ needed  _ payed to certain things. 

 

Jihoon made a funny face after Daniel smiled that confused Daniel. “What is it, Jihoonie?” he asked, jokingly. 

 

“Ah...nothing,” Jihoon said simply. Daniel frowned at the response that was surely a lie. 

 

“Really? You made a face at me, what for?” 

 

“Ah,” Jihoon paused, biting his lip before he released it to speak up again, “You are treating me too...normally. Isn’t this...strange?” Jihoon asked, confused by how easily Daniel was able to accept the current situation. Daniel smiled at him, understanding. 

 

“You are still the Jihoon I know and —” 

 

“I love you, hyung,” Jihoon confessed without hesitation. It was the second time Daniel heard his confession face to face, but he was much happier hearing this. Daniel hadn’t said it to his face, but he was very eager to. He wasn’t sure if now was the time, but he had to tell him. He had already shared his feelings on the phone in several messages, but he hadn’t just said it back to the boy ever, not like he deserved to hear. 

 

“I love you, too, Jihoonie.” 

 

“Daniel,” he seemed unsure of what to say next, like it hurt him to think of the words to follow himself up now, “I really am lucky. I am lucky to still be alive and to still be in love. And I am lucky that you love me back. I am lucky you are so ready to go back to the way things were before because that is all I want. I am so scared this are going to be so different.” 

 

Daniel smiled at Jihoon, a sympathetic smile. “Things are going to be a little different at first Jihoon, but not forever. I am going to treat you like you want to and deserve to be treated. Now, what’s hurt?” Daniel asked, wondering if there was anything more than his neck and leg. 

 

“Obviously my neck, but they are saying it might be almost healed. Both my ankles have already healed, but I still need physical therapy for them. I might have back pain, but nothing major. My right arm is in a cast along with my right leg. That’s it, though… They said a lot of what could have been really bad was avoided because of the awning…” Jihoon explained like he had already had to several times. Rather than having explained it, though, Daniel assumed he was just sick of hearing what was wrong and having things taken care of for it. There was no sign of medicine in the room, nor anything for that matter. No glass, no nothing of that sort. Daniel understood that, though, considering how he ended up in here. 

 

“That’s  _ it _ ?” Daniel asked, laughing a bit, letting himself get louder than he intended. Woojin continued to fall down in his chair a bit, and Jisung was audibly still sleeping. 

 

“You know what I mean, hyung!” Jihoon joked back, hitting Daniel with his able arm. 

 

Daniel laughed, “Yeah, I just wanted to see your reaction, Jihoonie. It was cute.” Daniel couldn’t express his happiness in simple words. There was not a word nor a weather that had the power to explain his feelings toward Jihoon or the success in his recovery. He wanted to cry and scream and cheer all at the same time, but he just let himself laugh. He laughed with the boy bedridden, the boy he was completely in love with. 

 

Their conversation was taken to small talk, with the occasional intimacy of their hands being held by one another and Daniel bringing his free hand to Jihoon’s face. He offered him a careful touch, one that Jihoon smiled underneath. It was disrupted, though, with a sudden question Jihoon proposed. “Are you tired, Daniel?” 

 

“I slept about four or five hours on the way here,” Daniel replied. 

 

“That’s  _ it _ ?” Jihoon joked, referencing their earlier conversation. 

 

“It is plenty!” Daniel laughed. 

 

“No, it isn’t! You deserve to go to sleep. You better not be waiting for me, either, I have been sleeping for like a month now…” he trailed off. The joke wasn’t funny, but Daniel laughed so that no tension was present because of it. 

 

“Really, Jihoon, I am fine. I can wait until the others start coming, I just… Do you mind if I grab something to eat?” Daniel asked politely, his smile reaching his eyes in just the way that he knew made Jihoon’s heart skip a beat. 

 

“Not at all, go ahead. I will be here…” 

 

“Do you want anything?” 

 

“If there is something I like I might pick at it, but they were sure to feed me as soon as I was awake.”

 

“Alright. I will see you, I love you.” 

 

“I love you, too, hyung.” 

 

Daniel had never been the type of person to throw “I love you” around so freely, but Jihoon deserved to be constantly reminded. Saying it often didn’t take away the meaning of it, it didn’t even chip at it. Everything Daniel meant the first time he said is present, and his love can only grow from then. He wanted Jihoon to be aware that Daniel was infatuated with the boy at every moment he could assure him that. 

 

It was easy for Daniel to pick things to eat, he was only picky because of his seafood allergy. Jihoon wasn’t very picky at all, but he wanted to avoid gaining too much weight, but the boy hadn’t had a meal he could enjoy in a month. Daniel made him a proper plate. He was sure he could eat or just toss whatever Jihoon didn’t want. Daniel made himself a cup of coffee and got a water for Jihoon. 

 

After filling himself up, he took his drink and Jihoon’s meal upstairs. It was an easy trip, now that Daniel was familiar with where he was supposed to be going. When he made it back to the room, he entered quietly, and Jihoon was the only one awake, still. 

 

“Jihoonie~” Daniel gushed in a quiet voice as he closed the door behind him. “I got you some things.” He placed the plate on the table next to Jihoon as well as the cup of water. “Do you need help sitting up?”

 

“Ah, yes, if you don’t mind,” Jihoon smiled, a bit embarrassed. “You just need to support my lower back so that I avoid any pain or whatever,” Jihoon poorly recited what he was told by the doctors. 

 

Daniel placed his hand awkwardly on Jihoon’s lower back, then smiled, laughing a bit. “What exactly did they do, though?” He was confused, admittedly, but it was funny. He was happy to be laughing with Jihoon, trying to help him like this, too. 

 

“Just hold onto my back and sides in whatever way works best. I need a little more help moving backwards to sit upright than anything,” Jihoon explained in a way that made more sense to Daniel. He held onto Jihoon in a way that made sure he was comfortable and helped him push himself backward against the bed. He was successfully in an upright position that Jihoon assured Daniel he found comfortable. 

 

Daniel handed Jihoon the plate of food and held the water in case he asked for it. “You don’t need any help eating, right?” 

 

Jihoon giggled a little, which Daniel found absolutely adorable. “Ah, Jihoonie, you are so cute!” he enthused. 

 

“I am not…” he grumbled. “But no, I should be fine, but I am not the most talented with my left hand…” he told Daniel. Daniel continued to stand, holding Jihoon’s drink, watching him eat. They spoke very little the entire time, but Jihoon chose to speak up, “You can sit down if you want, hyung, like on the bed.” He explained with food in his mouth. Daniel raised his eyebrows, but complied, making sure to avoid Jihoon’s limbs when he sat. 

 

Everything still felt unreal, but Daniel was sick of thinking like that. Talking to Jihoon again so casually made him forget the month that he wasted in grief. He spoke as if nothing was wrong with Jihoon before the last time they spoke, like they were not both here under the circumstances they were. Daniel found himself growing more tired, uneasy with the short sleep he had gotten on the train ride. Granted it was uninterrupted, it was shorter than the usual amount of time he was used to sleeping, especially compared to the past month. He found himself often sleeping in and going to bed early just to avoid being awake for longer than he really had to. 

 

His eyelids grew heavy on his head and he felt himself dozing off while sitting up. “Hyung?” Daniels eyes shot open, and he laughed at himself. 

 

“Yes?”

 

“You can lay next to me, if you want. I’ll be fine, and there are extra pillows over here,” he gestured to the opposite side of him, “if you need some more. Admittedly, I...really want you to lay here. I do need help...laying back down, now, too.” Daniel helped Jihoon into a laying position before tossing pillows next to Jihoon. Jihoon moved over a little so that there was more room for Daniel, but Daniel insisted that he didn’t move over too much. 

 

“Are you sure this is alright?” 

 

“Yes, hyung,” Jihoon groaned, “Please, just lay next to me. I miss you.” 

 

“I have only been standing for like...a minute at most.” 

 

“I mean sleeping next to you, hyung,” Jihoon smiled. 

 

“Ah,” Daniel let out, placing himself carefully on the bed next to Jihoon. There weren’t many ways Daniel could lay with him, but Jihoon said it was safe for his arm to be draped over Jihoon’s middle. They held hands while Daniel did this with other arm. They lay in complete silence until Daniel fell asleep, the first night since the incident that he was with the boy he loved. 

 

. . . . . 

 

Daniel blinked, his eyes blurry from sleep. He was welcomed by familiar faces, including many that were not there the last time Daniel had seen the room. Still, though, not everyone had made it. He noticed in particular Guanlin had not come, which was strange considering how close he was to Jihoon.  _ Had he went back to Taiwan during the break they were given?  _ Daniel supposed he had, as there is no other reason he hadn’t come. 

 

“Are you awake now, sleepyhead?” a familiar voice asked Daniel. He guessed it was Woojin because of how he said it. 

 

“Leave him alone…” Jihoon said next to him. It was easy to tell his voice apart from the others’ since he was so close. 

 

“Speak for yourself, Woojin,” Daniel threw back, his voice telling of how tired he was. He sat upright quicker than he wanted to. He felt his head pounding against itself. His eyes widened in surprise due to the pain. 

 

“What’s that supposed to mean!” Woojin yelled like it wasn’t even a question. 

 

“You were asleep from the second I got here to the second I fell asleep,” Daniel told him. 

 

“I was tired...and Jihoon wasn’t awake, either.” 

 

“I was talking to him last night. He woke up a little after I got here,” Daniel informed. 

 

Woojin didn’t say much, but he mumbled something under his breath. Someone else in the room asked “What?” and he repeated himself louder. 

 

“‘At least I didn’t fall asleep in his bed,’ I said. I don’t really care that you did, I just—” 

 

“—didn’t know what to say?” Daniel finished for him. 

 

“Yeah…” Woojin trailed off, crossing his arms over his chest. Daniel laughed, and Woojin laughed with him. 

 

There was a small silence between everyone before Jisung spoke up, “So, you all can see that not everyone is here, but I have word that everyone is coming,” he said. Daniel only noticed Guanlin missing, but it did appear that there was another face absent. “Guanlin is on his flight back right now, and Minhyun is will be here very soon. He was speaking with his Pledis managers, but since Jihoon is awake, there is a slight change in his schedule.” Jisung explained. 

 

Daniel hadn’t expected it to be Minhyun who wasn’t here, but it made sense. Jaehwan did not seem like he was eager to bother anyone in particular, though, which pointed out itself that Minhyun wasn’t present. The two had grown ridiculously close over the short amount of time they had been a group, but especially close during their Produce 101 days. Despite however much Jaehwan may annoy him, Minhyun seems to have a soft spot for him, oftening picking him when he can or just talking to him in his free time. They had never officially named their relationship, but the members often joked about it being romantic. With Minhyun’s current absence, Daniel could really believe that to be true. Jaehwan seemed lost, but Daniel knew that he could talk to even a brick wall. 

 

“Until Guanlin and Minhyun are here, we are not going to meet with our company, but be prepared to share what you want from the group. I do want to individually discuss with all of you, first, though, so I have an idea. Instead of making it complicated, I just want to do it here, with everyone present. Is anyone unhappy with this?” Jisung waited a brief moment, but no one said anything. Not even Jihoon spoke up, who had every right to not share what he was and wasn’t comfortable with. 

 

“Alright. I have already been informed by several of you that you want to continue as soon as possible, which I thank you for. Sungwoon being one of them. I will ask Seongwoo. Are you happy with continuing as soon as possible or do you want something else from this?” Jisung carried no emotion in his voice. He was much more serious now than Daniel had ever seen him. It was obvious Jisung only wanted what was best for all of the members, but he also wanted to be together as a group again. 

 

“Will the media be on top of us about this?” Seongwoo asked Jisung. 

 

“The managers said they will inform whoever they can to avoid the topic, so no,” Jisung replied. 

 

“I want to be a group still, but only if everyone else is happy, too,” Seongwoo decided. 

 

Jisung nodded, “Thank you, Seongwoo. I have already spoke with Jaehwan. Daniel?” 

 

Daniel’s palms felt wet with the sudden amount of pressure on him. He didn’t want to have to answer so soon, but he had to. He wanted what was best for Jihoon above everyone, but how did he say that? He wanted his health and well-being to be put before the group. “Will Jihoon come back with us?” 

 

“Only if he makes the recovery we hope to see in time, but he may need some time away,” Jisung told Daniel. He didn’t like Jisung talking to him like this. He was used to Jisung being silly and gushing at those around him rather than talking seriously and having set expectations that were spoken aloud. 

 

“I don’t mind, then, coming back, that is.” 

 

“Thank you, Daniel.” Daniel was more eager to hear from Jihoon than anyone, who was supposed to be next. He didn’t know what to expect from him, but he wanted Jihoon to come back with them. “Jihoon?” 

 

He heard Jihoon inhale a bit before he let out what he had to say, “I want to come back, I really do, but I can’t help however long this will all take to heal. I will be treated...mentally, while all of this is healing as well. I have already spoken with my managers and the doctors will talk more to them about everything to make sure that I—” 

 

“—We understand,” Jisung cut him off. No one wanted to hear Jihoon say the only thing he could have said next. “I am sorry for cutting you off like that, Jihoon, but you must understand.” 

 

“I do,” he spoke quietly. Daniel found his hand under the blanket and gave it an encouraging squeeze. He offered Jihoon his usual smile, as well, which made Jihoon bite his bottom lip with a tooth to the right of his mouth. He was adorable, and that was easy to admit. Daniel wanted nothing more than for Jihoon to be as happy as he could be. Daniel wanted to help Jihoon be this happy, too. One can see that Jihoon regrets the decision he made, but one can also feel the tension in the room that suggests the fear of Jihoon trying it again scares those around him. 

 

Jisung continued through the members, who each gave the same response as the last. “Have you spoke to Minhyun-hyung and Guanlin-ah?” Jaehwan asked, standing from the place he was sitting in the chair. 

 

“Yes, they both gave the same response as all of you. I am very happy to hear that all of you are eager to come together again,” Jisung said. It sounded as if something were in his throat, like tears were threatening his eyes. 

 

Jinyoung approached Jisung, offering a hand to his back, rubbing lightly, “We are all here for a reason, Jisung-hyung,” he said with a smile. Daniel could feel Jihoon’s soft grip on his hand tighten. “We want to be with each other,” Jinyoung assured Jisung. He smiled at the boy, letting out a little breath that he might not have been purposefully holding in. 

 

“I am glad. If you guys want, I can talk to the manager myself then, but he will probably want to ask you again, sometime.” 

 

“That would be nice, hyung, thank you,” Daehwi said eagerly, “I want to spend some time with Jihoon-hyung, too.” 

 

“You all can spend time with Jihoon, but at his discretion. I need to talk to him and Daniel alone for a moment, though, if you don’t mind.” 

 

Daniel raised his eyebrows, curious. It was likely he was just going to ask them about their relationship because of what Daniel said at his home back in Busan. “ _ Us _ ?” he asked although he had heard him clearly.

 

“Yes, and I think you know why…” Jisung trailed off, not bothering to say more than he had already in front of everyone. Despite their questioning looks, they obliged and followed one after the other into the hall outside of their room. They could easily all stand there as it was a wide hall and not busy. It is where recovering patients stay, so at most they would see other visitors and bettering or worsening patients being moved to or from a room. 

 

When the three of them were alone and Jisung could tell that no one was listening in out of curiosity he spoke, “So…?” Jisung asked, as if they were supposed to fill it in. 

 

“‘So…’ What, hyung?” Daniel mocked, a bit rudely. 

 

“Hyung!” Jihoon gasped from next to him. “That was rude.” 

 

Daniel didn’t say anything back to Jihoon, but Jisung spoke up to clarify. “I want to know what your relationship is,” he explained. 

 

“I am in love with Jihoonie,” Daniel said bluntly, without thinking. The words rolled off his tongue so casually that he didn’t really mean to say it the way he did. Granted he had meant it, it had shocked him so much that a faint blush painted even his face. This wasn’t to mention the shade of red Jihoon had become hearing that from him. 

 

“Alright, does Jihoon still return the feelings…?” Jisung shifted his gaze toward Jihoon. Daniel brushed his thumb across the hand he still held. He couldn’t imagine Jihoon saying that he didn’t, but he didn’t want to him to feel pressured into answering a certain way. Because of this, he pulled his hand away and turned his body toward Jihoon. 

 

He could feel the weight of the world pressing on his chest. One word could knock him cold and he knew it. For the two to have been so close last night and for Jihoon to say that he didn’t have feelings for Daniel today just wouldn’t make sense, but he was still scared. Strange things happen on Earth, and this could be Jihoon’s chance to admit that he didn’t like Daniel the way Daniel liked him. 

 

“Of course I return the feeling!” Jihoon cheered. Confidence backed up his answer which made a smile break across Daniel’s face. He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, as did Jisung. Daniel couldn’t draw the boy into an embrace, but he could take both of Jihoon’s hands in his own and kiss him like he was being blessed by the sun. He pressed his smile against Jihoon’s lips, which were soft underneath his own. It took a second, but Jihoon kissed back, and he burned a kiss onto Daniel’s mouth. When they pulled back, Daniel felt a smile fall across Jihoon’s lips. 

 

A silent “ah” fell from Jihoon’s mouth and Daniel pulled back completely, making himself aware of Jisung’s presence again. 

 

“I am sorry, hyung,” he blushed. Jihoon covered his face with one hand, hitting his neck brace of the way. Daniel was lucky he was sitting to the side of him, otherwise that could have posed as a problem when kissing the boy. 

 

“You...you two are  fine, I suppose, as long as Jihoon was fine with it,” Jisung raised his eyebrows, laughing somewhat as he spoke. Jihoon nodded furiously, which made the other two in the room laugh. “Um, I will leave you two alone for a minute to work anything out, but—” a knock at the door interrupted the conversation. 

 

“Yes?” 

 

Jaehwan opened the door to reveal Minhyun behind him, “Minhyun-hyung is here!” he sang happily. 

 

“Good, good. I was on my way out anyway,” Jisung said to Jaehwan before turning to Daniel and Jihoon again, “I won’t be gone forever, make with the time I give you.” It as a considerate warning, but Daniel didn’t know how long ‘not forever’ would be, but he was happy with the uncertainty, still. Jisung excused himself cheerfully, so Daniel turned toward Jihoon, wearing a wide smile. 

 

Jihoon’s face was still a soft pink and his lips were pressed tightly against each other. Daniel was happy he hadn’t kicked this habit, even after all this time. He found it cute, the way he held his lips together when he became timid. “I don’t exactly know what he wants us to do with our time, but we should use it,” Daniel encouraged. 

 

“Alright… I can’t do much, though, hyung, and I am really bored like this” Jihoon whined a bit, which was rare for him. 

 

“Cute, Jihoonie!” Daniel exclaimed. 

 

“What?” 

 

“Your whine!” 

 

“Ugh… It was not cute.” 

 

“Ugh… Yes, it was,” Daniel mocked. He smiled, taking Jihoon’s hand connected to his able arm in his own hand. “Jisung probably wants us to talk...about us.” He thought aloud. It wasn’t exactly what he wanted to be talking about, but it didn’t bother him really. Daniel was much happier things being simple, even if left unexplained, but Jisung might have waned a more precise label. 

 

“I don’t know what to say...about us,” Jihoon mocked back at Daniel, giggling. It was one of the cutest things he had ever heard fall from Jihoon’s lips, though. It surprised Daniel a bit, letting him make yet another exclamation pointing out how he thought the boy was cute. 

 

“I am not cute…!” He was making himself sound frustrated, but his face said otherwise. He puffed his cheeks out, exaggerating the feeling when he realized he did not look frustrated in any way. 

 

Daniel cocked his head a bit at the boy, “Is that supposed to make you less cute?” he asked blatantly, referring to the mock facial expression. 

 

“Agh!” Jihoon let out, now actually growing frustrated. 

 

“I am sorry, Jihoonie! I am just trying to ease the tension, I am not very good with...this sort of thing.” 

 

“It is okay, hyung, I just… Should we label it…? Are we...a thing?” he asked, pinching his facial features together. 

 

“A  _ thing _ ?” 

 

“I don’t think I would mind calling you my...boyfriend, though,” Jihoon admitted shyly. Daniel smiled at his words, happy he wants to be will him in that way. 

 

“You’re sure?” 

 

“Yes, I am completely sure,” Jihoon confirmed. 

 

“So, Park Jihoon, do you...want to go out with me?” Daniel asked a bit dramatically. Jihoon let a small laugh slip out at his behaviour, which only made Daniel’s current smile widen somehow. 

 

“Of course, hyung!” It was hard to explain how happy Daniel was. He leaned toward the boy, one arm over him, supporting himself, the other holding holding onto Jihoon’s. He lowered his head to Jihoon’s, close enough that their noses were touching. Just as Daniel tried to close the gap between them, the door swung open. The room was filled with a cry from Daehwi, who put a hand over his own mouth to muffle it. When Daniel was going to pull away, embarrassed, Jihoon insisted that they kissed, and he pressed a short kiss against Daniel’s lips. 

 

“I love you, hyung,” Jihoon whispered to Daniel while their noses were still brushed against each other. It was unlikely anyone would hear them because of the constant gasps that entered the room. 

 

“I love you, too, Jihoonie,” Daniel said, serious. He wanted everything he felt to be put behind these words. Moving his hand from holding onto Daniel’s, Jihoon gripped the back of Daniel’s head and pulled into into him. They fit perfectly against one another, so the space between their mouths was closed easily. 

 

“I’m glad,” Jihoon whispered, growing teary eyed as Daniel pulled away. 


End file.
